Reclamation Of Self

The last two years have been among the most eventful of my life. Both internal and external forces brought about changes in everything. I moved, switched schools, left an abusive relationship and entered into a healthy one, learned about love and life and self and expanding beyond the limits I had been taught to stay within. I also began experiencing worse and worse symptoms of my chronic illness, sought different kinds of treatment, and have finally begun gathering diagnoses and tools to reduce my symptoms.

In all of this, I have flung myself further than ever into growth through books, endless mugs of coffee and tea and ice cream, leaning on people I trust and respect and removing myself from those who intend to mold me into their ideals rather than my own. I have rediscovered my creativity, making music purely for the fun of it and writing simply to create, even if it is only for my future self to read. I have broken rules and made new ones that suit me better. Even as my body breaks beneath me, I am more and more fully my own. I am reclaiming parts of me that were lost, buried, or simply waiting for the space to speak.

Much of this has been internal, but it’s shown up externally too. Perhaps the most noticeable change was my weight gain, which happened quickly after I began rebuilding a healthy relationship with food and surrounding myself with people who had better things to do than fat shame my then-size-0 frame. I gained about 30lbs last fall, and another 35 since, all of which was much-needed and has finally put me into the “healthy weight” range after years of being underweight. My body finally was able to wrap up puberty, chill with the acne, and let me look less like a 12-year-old and more like an actual adult. Finally, people stopped asking why I wasn’t in school when I went grocery shopping on weekdays! On top of that, I changed up my makeup drastically, changed the style of glasses frames I buy, experimented with my clothing, dyed my hair a few times, and got a nose piercing. Every single step brought me one step further from who I was supposed to be, and one step closer to who I had always wanted to become.

Today, I’m sharing the next step of that process.

I’ve been planning it for a while, but was waiting for the perfect concept and to find the right artist, and earlier this month it all came together! While it’s hardly the final step in this process, it felt like a key moment in this messy, overwhelming process of reclaiming myself. I don’t think I’ve become what anyone expected of me, least of all those who thought they knew me best, but I’m growing into exactly the kind of human I wanted to be. When I find pieces of myself that don’t align with that, I have the resources I need to sort through them and discard that which is unhelpful and unwanted. I have reclaimed my body after the harms it survived, and am taking care of it with consistent treatment and creative changes to its appearance.

Reclamation of self is a process, not any one moment, but this was a core moment in mine. I’m glad to share it. ☺️

3 thoughts on “Reclamation Of Self

  1. Sarah, I was scrolling through posts here on WordPress when I came across this post from you. I am so sorry to hear about your experiences so far. I can see that things are getting better for you. You are beginning to reclaim yourself, and that is great. You see, I too have had to go through this process. I moved from being ambitious and determined to being a couch potato of some sort. A lot was going on in my life at the time and I had to really bring myself to the core of the issue and get it together. Fitting the broken pieces of one’s self is not always an easy task, but it is worth it. In finding myself, I found the Lord. I realized that God really does care for us, and he sees our pain, and he wants us to get out of it. However, we need to be willing to let him in. God not only wants us to find ourselves, he wants us to be the best version of ourselves. All the hidden talents, skills, and abilities that are buried deep within us, he wants to see us do something with it. God can help you on your journey to reclaim yourself, and I am certain that he would be glad to do so. You can pray to God and ask for his help. God has dominion over all things, and nothing is impossible for the Lord to do. A relationship with the Lord begins with faith in the Lord, prayers to God, obedience to the Bible, and a passion for Christ. God is ready, the question is, are you?

    Below are a few Bible verses to encourage you:

    The Bible says in Philippians 4:6
    “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done”.

    The Bible says in Matthew 7: 7-8
    “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened”.

    God says in Isaiah 41:10
    “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
    I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”.

    God says in Jeremiah 29:11
    “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”.

    If you do not yet have a relationship with the Lord, I would strongly suggest that you begin one. There are a lot of blessings that comes from knowing the Lord, and being in fellowship with him. If you already have a relationship with the Lord, that is good, keep believing and working to deepen your relationship with him, and I am sure that he would come through for you somehow.

    If you want to know about God in more detail, you can find further information here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/10/23/a-few-things-that-i-have-learned-about-god/ And Here https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/

    May God’s blessings be with you, Amen. ❤ ❤

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    1. Hello, and thank you for commenting!

      I am religious, and attended a Christian university for the second half of my B.A. I’m glad that you have found comfort in seeking God.

      I would caution against any sort of recovery prosperity gospel, though. Jesus (most likely) isn’t going to miraculously remove PTSD from my life, or heal my chronic illness. That’s okay. I would also encourage you to consider whether someone is already seeking God before issuing challenges like “God is ready, the question is, are you?”

      I hope your journey eases, and that you are able to continue on with love and support from a variety of places. Best of luck!

      Like

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